Losing You
by Anette
Summary: Severus Snape reluctantly pays a visit at Malfoy Manor to see Lucius's newborn son. Try as he may, he cannot ignore the fact that love never changes although life might. Slash SSLM.


Severus Snape walked back and forth in front of the gates of Malfoy Manor. Several minutes had passed since he arrived, but he could not bring himself to go through them. The tall man stopped pacing, and took a deep breath. "You're being silly, Severus, just go in there." He walked quickly, afraid he might change his mind again, and entered the house without knocking.

The wide drawing room was quiet, except for the soft crackling from the large built- in fireplace. Next to it stood a crib. Severus stopped in the doorway, unable to move closer to the crib, afraid of what he might feel if he did. A soft voice behind him made him jump.

"Hi."

Severus spun around to face the tall blonde man who stood leaning against the wall.

"I'm glad you came."

Lucius slipped past his visitor and walked over to the crib, and talked quietly to the child inside it. Severus remained in the doorway, eyeing him. Lucius looked up half- smiling.

"Well, come and meet him then, he won't bite."

Severus walked over slowly.

"Where's Narcissa?"

"Out."

"Well…Doesn't he need feeding regularly? He's only two weeks old, right?"

Lucius nodded.

"I have milk for him in bottles. And yes, he's two weeks old today."

His silvery eyes lingered on Severus's face for a moment.

"I thought you would have come sooner."

Severus couldn't help noticing the hurt visible on the other's face.

"I'm sorry, it's…I couldn't."

He had reached the crib now, and looked inside, almost dreading the sight. But as he laid eyes upon the infant it was as if someone had given him a pleasant punch in the stomach, and there was no way he could stop the tears from filling his black eyes.

"He's beautiful."

Lucius smiled.

"Would you like to hold him?"

Severus looked up and nodded, finding it hard to speak. Lucius lifted his newborn son out of the crib and handed him over to Severus, who took him carefully in his arms and sat down on the couch. Lucius sat down next to him, and they remained silent for several minutes.

"What are you going to call him?"

"Draco."

"Draco?"

Snape looked at the small child's face.

"Draco. Draco Malfoy."

He smiled.

"I like it."

The two men's eyes met.

"What took you so long, Severus? I've been waiting for fourteen days. I was almost starting to believe you weren't going to show up at all. And I wanted so much for you to see him."

There was a pain in Lucius's voice that was rarely heard, and Severus flinched.

"You know I wanted to, don't you? But can you even begin to imagine how hard this is for me? How it has robbed me of sleep for months? You and Narcissa having this child makes it all so final. There's a bond between you. You would never leave her now."

Lucius lowered his gaze.

"You're right. I wouldn't."

He stood up and went around the couch, and placed his hands on the other man's shoulders, rubbing them carefully. Severus sighed and leaned backwards until he could rest his head on Lucius's stomach.

"So what do we do now, Lucius? Put the past behind us? Pretend like everything that has happened between us the last, what… ten years, never took place?"

"God, Severus, stop. This is as hard for me as it is for you."

The other man snorted derisively.

"Oh, really? Here you are in your lovely home, with your lovely wife and this…"

He looked down at Draco.

"…this child, who you love so much. And where am I? I'm between fire and wood, working for Dumbledore, working for the Dark Lord, there's constantly someone chasing me, and I'm completely alone. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep, and you might think it's because people want me dead, but it's not, Lucius. It's because of you."

He felt Lucius's hands rest on his shoulders.

"It's because of you I can't sleep, or think, or do anything right. I miss you every second of every day, and if I am losing you, I don't know what I'll do."

Tears streamed quietly down his pale cheeks. Some of them hit Draco's forehead, causing the child to start in his sleep. Severus wiped them off with a long, white finger. Lucius moved round the other man and kneeled on the floor in front of him, his hands on Severus's knees.

"I know how you feel."

Severus shook his head.

"No you don't, you…"

Lucius broke him off and spoke in a hasty whisper as if what he had to say was of an urgent matter.

"Yes, I do. You feel like there's something missing inside you, like you can never feel joy again. You feel like you've lost something so important that you can't go on without it. You feel like you've experienced complete happiness, but somehow it got stolen away from you, and you don't know how. Food doesn't taste anything. You toss and turn in bed, and even though your body is screaming for sleep, you can't reach it. You feel like you're running towards something that your life is depending on, and when you get within an inch of it, it just slips between your fingers."

Severus's gaze was upon the other man's face. Lucius's fingers tightened around his knees.

"This is how you feel, Severus, am I right?"

The dark haired man nodded slightly. Lucius lifted his son carefully from Severus's lap and placed him in the crib. Then he grabbed the man's hands and pulled him on his feet. They stood so close that Lucius could feel Severus's warm breath on his face. Lucius reached out to touch the other man's cheek, leaning slowly towards him.

"Please…Don't do this to me." Severus's voice broke as their lips met in a kiss, soft at first, then more urgent and bruising. They threw their arms around each other, staggering over to the couch. Severus's hands shook as he tore at the blonde man's clothes. For so many months had he longed to run his hands over this slender body, wanted to kiss the soft skin on Lucius's white neck, melt into the man he had been madly in love with since their days at Hogwarts.

Later, as they were getting dressed, he asked the dreaded question.

"When will I see you again?"

Lucius reached out to button Severus's waistcoat, delaying the answer. Then he sighed, resting his hands on the other man's chest.

"I don't know. There are so many things going on right now."

Severus nodded quietly, and they walked in silence to the front door. There they faced each other, neither knowing what to say. Lucius broke the silence.

"Take care of yourself, will you?"

Severus smiled, stroking Lucius's white cheek.

"I will if you do."

He leaned in, placing a long, soft kiss on the other man's beautifully curved lips.

"Goodbye Lucius."

He turned to leave when Lucius held him back.

"I meant to ask you, Severus: Will you be Draco's godfather?"

Severus tried hard to hide how touched he was.

"Of course. It would be an honour."

The smile on the blonde man's face as Severus turned to leave reminded him of that day many years back when he first met Lucius Malfoy at Hogwarts. Little did he know at that first meeting what their lives were going to be like.


End file.
